I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
