so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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