It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
