Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
