Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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