i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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