ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
