At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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