Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
