Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
