Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
