The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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