had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
