I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
