whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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