So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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