dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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