There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Can you bring me the toilet please
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
