I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
