dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
