I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
