Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
