I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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