I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
