I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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