I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
