You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
