I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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