Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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