My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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