He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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