I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Holy sore nipples Batman
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
