Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
