i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
