I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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