so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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