I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
