I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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