Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
