I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
