I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
