You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
