Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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