1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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