Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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