Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ladies don't puke and tell
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
