just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
