that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
