did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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