when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
