She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
