I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think i have two assholes
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
