Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
