I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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