It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
