is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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