Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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