it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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