just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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