he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
