Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
