I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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